I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.