Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
You Might Also Like
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
*Seductively hides in the woods
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
This has made my week.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar