It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Finally, an explanation.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien