[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
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Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car