Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.