Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
good let them take over I have had enough
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Sign of the day..
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