So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
scared to check what name she chose
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…