I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.