[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
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People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
me when i see my girls butt