Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.