Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Time heals everything 🙂
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours