Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery