Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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Sing it!
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
How funny!
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.