I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Wake me when AI does housework
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.