My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?