My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I am having an out of money experience.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.