*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You Might Also Like
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no