“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
You Might Also Like
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave