i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?