How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I’m awake but I object,
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.