You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.