When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.