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“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Merica.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that