How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
what it’s like dating me:
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.