a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
forgive me baja for i have blast
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
12653.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom