I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
You Might Also Like
Body by Oreos
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I like long walks away from everyone
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
You have been warned.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*