dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
IT’S-A ME,
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems