My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”