Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
You Might Also Like
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah