FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*