You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
screw you
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching