Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No