Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
my professor scared me for a second
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
i want to work in this restaurant
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Netflix and you sit over there.