If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
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What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩