The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.