Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?