The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE