[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them