If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
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hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..