Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My typo game is string.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east