[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap