things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
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Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing