[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING