who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
When your man makes a valid point
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there