[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
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My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Boating season is upon us.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Its a hippotatomus
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.