Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend