[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark