I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water