I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.