Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”